Tiny Pieces
Like crystal hitting a concrete floor, my heart has been shattered into a million tiny pieces. So, how do I begin to put them back together to form some semblance of its prior self? I cannot begin to know.
As I stood behind the flimsy pink curtains of CCU room 6, I heard the crash amongst the eerie quiet. The machines were off and only the tiny breaths of the man I loved my entire life could be heard. The once fun-loving, handsome, smiling gentleman that was my father was slipping away. Holding his cheeks, rubbing his hand and whispering my approval was almost more than I could handle. How do you begin to let go? How do you begin to say goodbye? How? How? How? So many questions have no answers. Too many for a mind to fathom, too many for a heart that is broken.
It has been one month since those words were written and they still bring tears to my eyes and pain that sinks to my soul. I am still broken. I am not sure what it means to be normal. I am still not sure how to go on.
As I look at myself in the mirror, I know that I am not the woman my father would want me to be. He would want me to find a way to put aside the guilt, the fear, the pain and to focus on taking care of my family.
But Daddy, I don't know how anymore. My normal has vanished. My rock has disappeared. You were my greatest cheerleader and best adviser. You were the voice of reason and the biggest dreamer. You were the always there when I needed you but never an intruder. My guardian, my roots, my spark... Such a big part of me is gone and I am lost.
My husband has been understanding and patient. He has held me as I cried myself to sleep and pushed me to move when all I wanted was to bury my head. He has talked me through the unjustified guilt and loved me through inconsolable sobs. But how much more can I put this dear man through?
It has been one month since those words were written and they still bring tears to my eyes and pain that sinks to my soul. I am still broken. I am not sure what it means to be normal. I am still not sure how to go on.
As I look at myself in the mirror, I know that I am not the woman my father would want me to be. He would want me to find a way to put aside the guilt, the fear, the pain and to focus on taking care of my family.
But Daddy, I don't know how anymore. My normal has vanished. My rock has disappeared. You were my greatest cheerleader and best adviser. You were the voice of reason and the biggest dreamer. You were the always there when I needed you but never an intruder. My guardian, my roots, my spark... Such a big part of me is gone and I am lost.
My husband has been understanding and patient. He has held me as I cried myself to sleep and pushed me to move when all I wanted was to bury my head. He has talked me through the unjustified guilt and loved me through inconsolable sobs. But how much more can I put this dear man through?
I am stuck in on an endless ride of grief and life. I want to get off now! I want to find normal!! I know the old normal no longer exists, but I want to find a new normal where tears are for rare occasions and smiles are abundant, rather than the other way around. My biggest fear... THIS is the new normal.
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