The Land Between
It has been a long time since I have written anything. Having a hard
time with complete sentences and staying focused these days. Been a rough
few months, I must admit. The darkness enfolded me and its grasp has been
tighter than I have wanted to admit, even to myself. Tears have become my
constant companions. I am struggling to
keep up in every aspect. But, I think I have seen glimpses of sun
lately. Could it be that the darkness is beginning to fade? Or is it
my way of avoiding the inevitable? I am
not sure. But, in either case, I will
relish the respite, no matter how small or how short it may be.
This past Sunday, our pastor delivered a sermon entitled “The Land Between: Complaint and Trust”. It struck home. I live there… struggling to trust the God I love so much because I have been hurt so deeply. I want to complain that my life has been irrevocably changed, unfathomably altered but God already knows that. What He is waiting for is my response to the pain. And that is where I have failed. I have failed to turn to God and tell Him that I trust him. Instead, I have turned to Him exclaimed my distrust and proven my disobedience. I have let my heart and mind wander from the truths I have held dear, down a path of darkness and despair. But, the pastors words encouraged me to trust the Lord that has lead me to this point in my life. I cannot love Him for the past that He has created and not trust Him with my future. Like the Israelites, I want to complain about the journey instead of see everything God has done for me. I have become an ungrateful child.
These are easy things to say, but how do I change my view? How do I stop letting the loss of my father color the glasses through which I see my God? When I know that He truly has the power to right all wrongs, how do I not see the loss of my father as God’s choice? That is where the breakdown between complaint and trust happens. I trust God has control, but I complain about His choices. One step forward, one step back leaves me stuck in the Land Between. My mind, heart and soul do battle again. I want so much to trust, to walk forward holding the hand of the One and Only, but the hurt holds me back. The Land Between... looks like I have become a resident.
On the brighter side, I think that putting these thoughts and feelings on paper (or computer screen), I have made the first step toward leaving this sad little neighborhood. Maybe the 'for sale' sign has been posted....
This past Sunday, our pastor delivered a sermon entitled “The Land Between: Complaint and Trust”. It struck home. I live there… struggling to trust the God I love so much because I have been hurt so deeply. I want to complain that my life has been irrevocably changed, unfathomably altered but God already knows that. What He is waiting for is my response to the pain. And that is where I have failed. I have failed to turn to God and tell Him that I trust him. Instead, I have turned to Him exclaimed my distrust and proven my disobedience. I have let my heart and mind wander from the truths I have held dear, down a path of darkness and despair. But, the pastors words encouraged me to trust the Lord that has lead me to this point in my life. I cannot love Him for the past that He has created and not trust Him with my future. Like the Israelites, I want to complain about the journey instead of see everything God has done for me. I have become an ungrateful child.
These are easy things to say, but how do I change my view? How do I stop letting the loss of my father color the glasses through which I see my God? When I know that He truly has the power to right all wrongs, how do I not see the loss of my father as God’s choice? That is where the breakdown between complaint and trust happens. I trust God has control, but I complain about His choices. One step forward, one step back leaves me stuck in the Land Between. My mind, heart and soul do battle again. I want so much to trust, to walk forward holding the hand of the One and Only, but the hurt holds me back. The Land Between... looks like I have become a resident.
On the brighter side, I think that putting these thoughts and feelings on paper (or computer screen), I have made the first step toward leaving this sad little neighborhood. Maybe the 'for sale' sign has been posted....
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